can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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