you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
