If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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