Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
