i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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