I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
