so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Randomize
