I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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