did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
