That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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