I'm really into asian looking animals
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
