I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
