I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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