My room smells like vodka and shame
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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