I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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