I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize