i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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