Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just cropdusted the office
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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