Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
