You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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