btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
