So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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