My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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