You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just cut my nipple shaving
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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