you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
