You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize