meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
