my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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