he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
