So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
