Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
