i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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