I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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