did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
