Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
