do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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