Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize