I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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