okay pat passed out under dana's car
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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