He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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