My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
