I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize