there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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