Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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