Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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