you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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