I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
