Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Someone came in the potted fern
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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