you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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