you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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