I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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