I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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