He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
