My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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