Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
