My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
