Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
