I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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