and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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