Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
