I could make wine with my vomit
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
