You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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