mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
