Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
