she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
