saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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